Through The Mist Of Emotions!

such_is_life I’ve really been pondering lately over what to do with this little piece of my life. Clearly I’ve been doing something else, because I sure as heck haven’t been writing much. I’ve been so sporadic with posting that I may as well not call myself a blogger anymore… and if I have to say “Sorry for the absence (yet again)” one more time, I may just stop following myself. I have to be honest. I have sat down to write my posts so many times now that I’ve lost count. I tried to write it in the middle of the struggles I’m facing, just to update everyone and to spill my heart a little bit, because I needed some therapy but the words wouldn’t come. Well, honestly – the words came, but they weren’t the words I wanted to say. I was bitter. I was questioning God. I was emotional. And my words showed it. I don’t want to be someone who publicly doubts God, even when my heart is feeling it – I don’t want to show it. If you are friends with me or know me personally, this is old news to you, but I still need to write it, even if its just for me. Because my heart changed, my spirit has awakened, and I see everything just a little bit differently, as cliché as that sounds. I’ve always had trouble expressing myself in front of others. Yes! Hard to believe as it may be, not even my family knows the true “ME”! In real life I come across as a happy-go-lucky, talkative girl – someone who manages to smile through the worst situations, so much so, that I have at times been called an Ice Princess to my face (for being emotionally detached). But to tell you the truth, I can actually count the number of people who ACTUALLY know me, on one hand. I compartmentalize everything. Broken, Sad, Angry, Disappointed…I have many small boxes in my heart where I simply lock everything I’m not ready to face, and forget about it. It’s not the same as bottling things up until they overflow; they are more like Pandora’s boxes- forgotten till eternity or all hell will break loose. A survivor’s mechanism – Yes, but this has changed me over time – and HOW! I crave for someone who understands how I feel without my having to say anything, explain anything, justify anything! Since I’m sure as hell never going to find one like that, I have taken the first nervous baby steps into this world of journaling my feelings online – where I hope to find people, who mirror my emotions, ramble on, talk, chat.. and just plain feel better about themselves without the scare of people judging them. Confused as ever, I really didn’t know what to call this little space of mixed emotions. I wanted to write about ‘words I wish I had said’, ‘random musings of a sentimental dreamer’, ‘confessions of a hopeless romantic’, ‘chronicles of an unpredictable drama queen’, so, I choose to call it – ‘LIFE AS I KNOW IT’ – as someone who is trying to learn the uncomfortable art of letting herself be seen. Because beneath the makeup and behind the smile, I’m just a girl who wishes for the world. Kritika_Sharma

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